Musings from a Mother-in-Law

Before I could peel off my Spanx as a first-time mother of the groom (MOG), whose traditional duties I’d heard were to shut up, sit down and wait for decrees from the bride and her mother, I became the punch line to cheap shots. I’m now someone’s mother-in-law, or MIL (adding an “F” would inspire more enthusiasm). 
 
Acquiring a son- or daughter-in-law is like compulsory adoption of an adult, although bonding isn’t guaranteed — or common. And, here’s a mother (-in-law) of a conundrum: On one hand, you raised your kid to think independently and it’s time to trust his judgment. On the other, he’s the same child who stuck raisins in his nose.

 
Heard That One Before
 
Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her. 
 
Comedians and TV shows have perpetuated the long-reigning MIL stereotype of overbearing, controlling she-devils, but in reality, it’s not funny. An iVillage.com survey reveals that 51 percent of respondents prefer a day cleaning, a gynecologist visit, jury duty, filing income taxes and a root canal to spending time with MILs; 76 percent wouldn’t ask MILs for parenting advice, and 64 percent don’t trust them to babysit.
 
Dr. Phil claims that one-quarter of ex-couples report in-laws — mostly MILs — are “somewhat” responsible for their divorces. Maureen Callahan, 27, figured that out before the “I dos.” Previously engaged almost nine months to an Italian beau, she’d visited her future MIL in Italy for the first time. 
 
“In European culture, mothers continue to take care of sons for their entire lives ... What ‘momma’ says goes, even at 32 years old! When you’re trying to build a life with someone and make big decisions and there’s a third person in the mix, it creates even bigger decisions,” says Maureen.
 
“After spending our first Christmas in Italy, I wanted us to spend the next with my family. That’s when I really saw the impact his mother had on him. He
sided with her so I lost that battle to her. We spent Christmas separately with our families — that’s when I saw my life always being like that if we got married. Arrivederci!” explains Maureen, whose current boyfriend hails from Greece. This time around, she made getting to know his family a priority and thankfully, loves his mom.
 
My mother-in-law is a well-balanced person. She’s got a chip on both shoulders. 
 
Daughter In, Mother Out(law)
 
Initially, getting along with my future (5-foot) MIL seemed no short order. “She’s tall, just like your father’s wife,” she announced when we were introduced. We laugh about it today, along with the fact she’d kept my husband’s childhood room exactly as he left it through 10-plus years of our marriage. Our relationship’s fine, although we’ve always lived at least 1,500 miles apart.
 
Relationship issues between female in-laws are more volatile than male equivalents, which experts contribute to men’s changing roles as partners and fathers, and willingness to get along with MILs. In all cultures, child-rearing and housework are hot button MIL-DIL topics. One in four British mothers surveyed admitted they “despised” their MILs for judging their parenting, undermining them and thinking they weren’t good enough for their partners. Others described their MILs as worse than moving, potty training and morning sickness.
 
An Italian study found that the odds of a marriage surviving increase with every 100 yards couples put between them and in-laws. Italian courts grant wives legal separation if husbands can’t prevent their mothers from “invading.” Health, too, is impacted. A 2008 Japanese study discovered that women living with in-laws were two to three times more prone to heart disease. 
 
I once heard becoming a MIL likened to being strapped to a chair with a sock stuck in your mouth. Particularly in-laws with different backgrounds, religions, ethnicities or cultures must navigate new relationships carefully or risk detonating ticking time bombs. Combining traditions without hurt feelings is about restraint and grace (read: telepathic street fighting). 
 
In the Eyes of the (Mother- and Daughter-in) Law
 
Sure, some MILs struggle with relinquishing their first-stop confidante and adviser status to their kids’ spouses, and some are genuine monsters-in-law, but there are others who provide loving backup, especially for new moms. MILs aren’t necessarily resentful of the DIL’s importance in their son’s lives, but crave assurance that bonds with their children remain strong. Equally, not all DILs manipulate their husbands, are overly sensitive or spitefully reject their MIL’s ideas. Some simply have their own ways of doing things and genuinely want to connect with MILs. 
 
Lisa Bleifer, married almost 30 years, encourages her daughter and son-in-law to speak up if they feel she’s “overstepped.” She explains, “It’ll make for better relationships in the long run. I prefer honesty above all else. I don’t want them being nice to my face while resenting something I did. I don’t ever want to be that Everybody Loves Raymond MIL.
 
“Because my mom passed away when I was 16, I always wondered what it’d be like to plan a wedding by myself, have babies, etc., but my future MIL stepped in graciously offering help. I started to cry … I not only felt accepted immediately, but truly loved and appreciated. If I’m half the MIL mine was, I’m doing well.” But, Lisa adds, “If my [late] MIL wasn’t such a remarkable woman, that bond wouldn’t exist. You can’t force that.” 
 
New mom Allison Teague has advice for DILs-to-be. “Realize that your MIL has been your man’s No. 1 forever. Don’t compete for his affection, but realize he needs both of you.”
 
Allison dated her now husband, Michael, for seven years before they married, so she knew his mom well. “We’re comfortable being honest with each other.” Yet, Allison wishes her MIL wasn’t so open about one topic. “Sex! My MIL is single and I try to avoid talking about her dating life altogether. She doesn’t have daughters, though, and sometimes I know she just needs someone to talk to about it, so I listen politely and get through it!” 
 
Directed by assumptions, the MIL-DIL relationship can quickly go from friendly to ferocious. 
 
MILs may need to say:
• I don’t think my son walks on water. 
• I can “overdo it” without malice.
• Try seeing things from my perspective. 
• Treat me like you want your husband to treat
your mom. 
 
DILs may need to say:
• Allow us the chance to figure things out alone.
• Call before visiting.
• Your son is fortunate to have me, too.
• Thanks for raising a great guy.
 
Speak Now or Forever Hold a Grudge
 
According to the American Psychological Association, women’s adjustment to marriage seemingly depends on how well their husbands separated from their parents; men’s adjustment depends on how well both spouses separated from parental influence. Consequently, putting parents’ needs ahead of or valuing their opinions more than partners’, turning to parents during marital conflict or announcing, “My mother does it this way,” is marriage kryptonite. Likewise, MILs who are overly dependent emotionally and/or financially on adult children cause marital disharmony.
 
Men tend to ignore or are oblivious to biting comments that’ll pass between female in-laws. Besides not wanting to get involved, sons aren’t great at reassuring moms about their importance in their lives or confronting them when changes are necessary, which fans the MIL-DIL flame. 
 
No ifs, ands or buttheads — once married, loyalty goes to your new family, say professionals. Spouses with the primary relationships need to intervene with boundaries and follow through with definitive actions on the united couple’s behalf. 
 
Can I Get a Witness?
 
Though still adjusting to MILhood, I’d like to make a pledge to present and future children-in-law: I’ll try diligently to follow the blueprint you create for your family, and squelch urges to criticize (I have a husband for that). Accordingly, I won’t give advice twice — especially if you didn’t ask initially.
 
Fortunately, I adore our newest family addition, who promises to alert me if she sees indication of my transitioning to the dark side. Eventually, maybe Mother-In-Law Day (fourth Sunday of October) will be recognized like Mother’s Day and jokes will finally cease. Sure. And, one day grooms will relish registering for china and flatware.